The Chair again
“Oh, the chair again,” I said.
The retreat leader smiled.
As I sat down, the nervousness returned. Yet I remembered something we had been learning. It was important to process painful thoughts and emotions.
Although it felt uncomfortable, I chose to keep going. Deep inside, I believed this could help me.
That chair had already become more than a chair. It was a place of fear, honesty, courage, and hope.
A Retreat for Healing
I was attending a PAMAS 12-day mental health retreat. During the retreat, we received care for body, mind, and spirit.
Each day included lifestyle interventions, mental health education, spiritual counseling, and small group book discussions. We also had guided cognitive behavioral therapy, also called CBT.
At first, I did not know what CBT meant. I only knew it meant sitting down with someone and talking honestly.
That felt frightening to me.
Facing the Chair
The first time my turn came, we went into a room with two chairs. As soon as I saw them, I felt nervous.
My mind pictured a guidance counselor asking questions I could not answer. Then I noticed the grey chair. It looked fancy, soft, and comfortable.
Still, being alone with one person felt hard to explain. The room felt quiet, serious, and unfamiliar.
Also, my screening results showed that I needed real help. While the retreat leader looked over my form, something intense stirred inside.
Then questions began to come about my past.
Trust Felt Difficult
Letting my story out felt very hard. Many questions came quickly into my mind. Could this person be trusted? Would she judge me?
Would she think I was bad because of my choices?
For years, I had hidden many painful things inside. Fear had kept me from facing them. Now, it felt like I was bringing out trash I had buried.
Also, I struggled to explain everything in English. Details felt difficult because shame was strong.
When she gently comforted me, I wanted to trust her. However, trust still felt difficult.
Part of me wondered whether she would help me. Another part feared she would judge me.
Hope Entered the Room
Then the retreat leader began to talk about God and His Word. Suddenly, I remembered my earnest prayer for freedom.
I had been asking God to free me from the storms inside. Those storms made the past feel alive in me.
They also made forgiveness feel impossible, even after I had asked God.
That first time in the chair, my feelings were hard to explain. Part of me imagined hiding when my next turn came.
I did not want to sit in that chair again.
Yet, something was changing inside me. My experience in the chair had sparked a flicker of hope.
Maybe God could use this space to set me free.
Returning to the Chair
When I was next scheduled for CBT, I hoped we could sit outside. Other participants were choosing outdoor places.
I wanted that too. Somehow, outside felt less intimidating.
Unfortunately, when my turn came, rain began to pour. Because of the rain, we had to stay inside.
Many people were already in the house. Therefore, the quiet room became the only available place again.
That was when I saw the chair and said, “Oh, the chair again.”
Truth Met the Lies
As we began talking, I gradually felt more at ease. Before long, I found myself crying as I shared painful memories.
Although the conversation was intense, it was also deeply meaningful.
Her words helped me recognize the battle raging inside me. As we talked, I realized something important.
I needed God’s promises to fight Satan’s accusations.
The enemy told me I was unworthy to be God’s child. He said my sins were too great.
He said there was no hope for me.
For many years, I had felt unworthy of the title “missionary.” Those lies had affected my service to God.
They had also fed my negativity, fear, and discouragement.
Yet, the Bible was speaking something different. After believing the enemy’s lies for so long, accepting God’s truth did not come easily.
A Spark of Faith
Then the retreat leader led me to Zechariah 3:1-4. As she explained the passage, light entered my heart.
Joshua stood before God in filthy garments. Satan accused him, but God rebuked Satan.
Then God took away Joshua’s filthy garments and gave him clean robes.
The truth felt personal when I placed my own name there. Could God really care for me that much?
Would He really rebuke Satan, who was condemning me?
Could He forgive me and remove my filthy garments too? Could He clothe me as He had clothed Joshua?
As I heard those words, a small spark of faith came alive. My faith was small, but it was real.
God’s Word carried power I could not explain.
For the first time, hope felt personal. This truth was exactly what my heart had been yearning for.
Held by Jesus
Afterward, the retreat leader hugged me tightly. I hugged her back and did not want to let go.
In that moment, it felt like Jesus was holding me.
Deep relief filled my soul. When I returned home, I opened Zechariah 3 again.
Truth That Sets Free
As I read, I realized that Jesus is my Defender. He stands against Satan, the accuser.
Courageously, I replaced Joshua’s name with my own throughout the passage.
As I read and re-read the words, my heart began to believe. The truth became stronger and more personal.
Before, I could not find words for what was happening inside me. For so long, I felt condemned, guilty, and ashamed.
I could not understand the turmoil in my heart and mind.
Now, God’s truth spoke the words I could not say. It answered my fear, shame, and confusion.
God’s Word reminded me that I am loved and cared for. It also brought back promises He had given me before.
Those promises told me I was chosen and beloved.
Courage to Keep Healing
Although the chair experience was intense, I praise God for it. Through that chair, God helped me believe His truth again.
I also remember a quote from Courageous Shepherds by Nicole Parker: “Fierce faith fights fear.”
For me, sitting in that chair felt risky. Yet, it became the right step. God used that uncomfortable place to teach me courage.
Now, I see the chair differently. It is no longer only a place of fear.
By God’s grace, it became a place of truth, healing, and hope.
Jesus prayed, “Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth.” That is what God began doing in me.
Through His Word, He answered my shame with love. He answered the accuser with truth. He answered my fear with hope.
Now, I thank Jesus for His redemption and His Word. All glory and honor belong to God.
